just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
