i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
