hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
