The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
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Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
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I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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