When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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