Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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