Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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