Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
