I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
