I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
