It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
