I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
