The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
we're making bets on your personal life
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
