After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
