You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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