my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
