I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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