She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Randomize
