I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
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I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
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You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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