It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
