I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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