You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
