if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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