Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I look better un-naked...
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
If I die, sorry about rent.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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