forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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