My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
