Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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