either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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