He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
