onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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