She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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