I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
