ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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