I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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