Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
