there's paper in my vomit.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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