i love accidental penises.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
