a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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