new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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