I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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