I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
