Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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