Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
