You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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