just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
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Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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