I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
