I'm sorry my penis didn't work
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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