my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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