I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
