If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
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Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
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Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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