Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
