So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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