he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
