you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
